SKINNIES AND MEN.....hmmmmmmmmm

As a kid back in the 90s, I always had two major reasons why men wore skinny pants and those reasons depended entirely on their race. If I saw a white dude in skinnies, I figured he was either a ballet dancer, a gymnast, a rock singer, gay, or just plain stupid when it came to dressing. On the other hand, if the dude was Black, I had just one reason for him: “There goes a broke-ass n****r who can’t afford regular pants and had to borrow his sister’s or baby brother’s pair.”

Seriously speaking, I thought men wearing skinny pants died right after 2Pac got shot but I guess I was wrong. I wish you all saw my face the first time I saw a man in skinny pants in the early 2000s. I had one of those expressions you get when you're experiencing culture shock, but this time it was more like skinny pants electrocution. And one thing came to mind: “GAY.” (Please permit my repetitive use of this word it's simply due to a lack of better expressions on my part.)

You can imagine my shock when, late last year, I saw my friend wearing one of these scary clothing items. If I didn’t know him, I would’ve concluded he was one of them too (and honestly, I still have my doubts about him sometimes... IJK). But seriously, men, why can’t you just stick to your sagging, bling-bling, oversized shirts, or whatever style you call yours and leave ours alone?

Why on earth would any man want to wear something that skinny and for some, extremely tight? For the record, men who wear really tight pants are killing their chances of having kids on time. Yeah, I said it. Plus, they end up looking like Channing Tatum from Step Up 1 right after Nora asked him to wear one of those scary dance tights. The sight ain't nice. Don’t you get it? Some of us like to eat and seeing y’all like that just ruins the vibe, especially in restaurants.

Now, don’t get me wrong I don’t hate men wearing skinnies. The only problem I have is that these men are stealing our attention. Skinny (aka pencil) pants are like every girl’s curve-showing technique. With men wearing them, it’s like we’re competing! Picture this: you and your cute boyfriend are out on a date, and both of you are in skinnies. Next thing you hear is, “Aww, both of you look so cute in skinny jeans but your boyfriend has more curves than you. I mean, he rocked it better.” LIKE, PLEASE SHOOT ME NOW.

Isn’t it enough that men wear clingy shirts to show off their biceps? Even guys with chests as flat as cream cracker biscuits do it and we don’t complain. But the moment we try to wear something fitted, you scream “ATROCITY!”

There’s a lot of room for experimentation in fashion, so why have y’all decided to rob us blind? First, you started plaiting your hair. Then came the jewellery. After that, makeup. We let all that slide. And now now you’ve claimed skinny pants too?! What’s next? Pencil skirts? Peep-toes? Wedges? Don’t say it’s impossible.

But the most annoying part about this whole skinny pant issue is how some men wear them. Who told you that wearing tight pants with big shoes, slippers, or even Timberlands would make you look sexy? I mean, you look like the dude that robs Chris in Everybody Hates Chris for a dollar every time he walks home. Like, if you’re going to steal our swag, at least do it right!

And just so you know skinnies, like the name implies, are for skinny people. Like my cousin Nani, who with or without New Boyz (his reason for wearing skinnies) can always rock them because he’s skinnier than a dancing pole. He has no choice; skinny pants actually favour him.

So I keep wondering... what are brothers as big as Big Pun, with an ass the size of Mo’Nique’s from The Parkers, doing in skinny pants? I mean don’t you have a mirror at home? Or do the people in your house close their eyes when you leave?

P.S.: MEN, LEAVE SKINNIES ALONE. MUST YOU SHARE THE ATTENTION WITH US? CAN’T YOU JUST ADMIRE US IN SOMETHING FOR ONCE WITHOUT STEALING IT?! MSCHWWWWWWW.