AWOLOWO ROAD

Yeah, some of you know this place, but for the sake of those who don’t, I’d be kind enough to introduce it to you.

It’s located in the heart of Ikoyi and could pass for Osu Street in Accra, Madison Avenue in New York, or maybe even the streets of Dubai. Whatever the comparison, the point is: you can shop for all classes of things. You can feed your eyes to the extent of staying without food for weeks.

It has a class of its own, and so do the people who work or live there. Some try to fit in, while others created this kind of lifestyle, so much so that people assume nothing can ever go wrong here.

PLSSSSSSSS…

If you’re ever cruising down this street which has a Polo Club, TM Store, a 5-star hotel, strings of clubs, top restaurants (from Chinese to Asian to Lebanese), fancy buildings, and designer clothing stores, you’ll notice something else: even the price of 35cl Coke, buns, puff-puff, and mama put is higher here. That alone shows you the class of things.

So when I got my first job on this street, I felt like I just moved from Blackberry Bold to Blackberry Smartphones. Like I had switched from police escort to bodyguards and convoys. That was the vibe... until June 10th, when the street showed me pepper.

If you live on the mainland, places like Ikeja, Bariga, Yaba, you’ll hear one common slogan: SHINE YOUR EYES. But on the Island, you're made to believe everyone is a potential big boy or big girl. Drop ₦1,000 on Awolowo Road and you might come back to meet ₦950 waiting for you. But that June 10th? That was a shocker.

I resumed work, picked a call just 3 minutes from my office, and somehow, just somehow, my phone decided to go on vacation. No warning. No goodbye. And even as we speak, the phone hasn’t returned from its trip.

When I told people about it, nobody even asked where it got stolen. Once I said “I work on the Island,” they finished the story for me. That’s how I found out Awolowo Road is a phone-missing zone. A red zone on the map.

So today, if you’re a tourist visiting Awolowo, I suggest you buy palasa phones, the kind of phones that when stolen, they return with an insult. (Think: Nokia 3310, 2100, all those heavy-ass phones that give you biceps from just making one call.)

I’m not trying to paint this place black. I’m just wondering why people keep painting it white. So all you Awolowo fanbase people, please stop bragging, I’m really not happy with this downtown street, despite the swag.

A lot goes on here. But somehow, they make mainlanders feel bad about where they live. Here, you’re forced to live a fake life and an expensive one at that. Like, what is a sales rep earning ₦45k monthly (without benefits) doing with a BB phone and eating Chicken Republic every day? (One meal that covers breakfast, lunch, and dinner... you know the deal 1-0-0.)

And don’t get me started on the shop owners. They sell what they can’t even afford. What kind of marketing is that? You walk into Mobos or Wardrobe and the salesperson is wearing “Gussi”, yet they get violent when you complain that their original stuff is too expensive. They look at you like you’re the cheap one.

Who’s really the cheaper one, though?

I’m not dissing the street. I mean, I love spending time here. But please, stop deceiving me. I’m no longer new here. In fact, I’m a landlord now. Let’s share the secret together. Don’t treat me like Eddie on Winstream Lane.